I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
