He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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