I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
