it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
