why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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