wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
