I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
