did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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