His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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