It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
