Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
