i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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