How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
