Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
