Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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