I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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