gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
