My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
