she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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