fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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