We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
