She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
