Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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