Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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