I want to walk on stilts...naked
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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