bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
