You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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