He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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