i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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