birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
