If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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