threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
