So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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