my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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