I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
