I love black thongs
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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