I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
