dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
