Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
