Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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