i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
