i think i scared a bird with my dick
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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