I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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