If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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