If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i dont even know how to be here
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
