I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
