Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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