I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
