i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
