my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
