She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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